I had raised my hand a while back…

Alan Moore’s most underrated graphic novel tells the story of V, a mysterious anarchist who works to destroy the ruling totalitarian government, while profoundly affecting the people he encounters along his journey. He is a freedom fighter seeking to effect sociopolitical change while simultaneously pursuing his own violent personal agenda. As a part of the grand finale of his plan, he wants to blow up the parliament building as a throwback to Guy Fawkes. However he doesn’t want to kill all the parliamentarians – there are people who are sympathetics to his cause. The three main issues on which V opposes the government are right to privacy, freedom of information and civil rights. 20% of the MPs support him on the first issue, 15% on the second and 25% on the third. V also knows which of the parliamentarians side with him on each of these issues. The rest of the novel deals with the protagonist running complex mathematical programming and simulation models to determine the most optimum time to blow up the parliament building so as to kill the least people sympathetic to his causes. The name of the novel? V for Venn-Data, of course.

Government wants protection for Mallu Porn through Geographical Indications status

The Government of Kerala today announced that it plans to protect pornographic movies originating from the state by granting it Geographical Indication status. Kerala is world renowned for its pornographic films that are popularly known as Mallu Porn. Protection under the Geographical Indications of Goods Act 1999 will ensure that movies from other regions will not be able to be allowed to make use of the term Mallu.

The decision was announced by the Chief Minister at a special press conference jointly organised with the Academy of Mallu Porn Arts and Sciences (AMPAS), popularly known as just the Academy. Applauding the government’s decision, Academy secretary Mr Saagar Kottapuram said that he was very pleased by the government’s decision to stand by them in such tough times. He said, “Through our hard work and creativity, we had built up a very good brand image for Mallu Porn. But now we have every Tom, Dick and Harry exploiting this image by labelling their movies of shady origin as Mallu. Not only are they eating into our revenues, but they are also severely affecting the perception of our brand. I mean, have you seen the kind of actresses that they use? They look like they are 25 years old or younger! People who watch these fake movies are then hooked to these inferior quality movies and never return to Mallu Porn.”

The CM said that the state’s financial resources were under severe strain due to the recession and falling remittances from the Gulf. “GIs not only act as authenticity or quality marks, but also provide for proper registration and taxation procedures. We estimate that the move will bring in additional revenues of Rs 100 crores, while providing a boost to the Mallu Porn industry which has been in the doldrums recently. I think we made a mistake in our Look East policy by trying to emulate the China model. We should have realised that the Thai model was better suited to our economy.”

The culture minister, who was also present at the press conference, said that the decision was taken after due consideration of all the potential fallouts. The government was aware of concerns raised about Kerala’s image and reputation, he said. “We had commissioned a detailed study by the Bhatinda Consulting Group to understand the key issues and give their recommendations. What we found out was that our state’s reputation was already damaged beyond repair by the Mallu Porn industry. People across the country associated the term Mallu with high quality porn. Given this situation, the best option for us was to embrace this and try to make the best out of our reputation. Major rebranding exercises are already underway and the Tourism department will soon launch their new tagline, God’s Porn Country”, said the Minister.

The move has been welcomed by citizens across the country. Connoisseurs of Mallu Porn now feel that if the status is properly implemented, they will no longer have to settle for generic porn movies after searching for Mallu Porn on torrents or DC++. They feel that such a move was long overdue. But perhaps, no bigger group of people have been made happier by this step than the expatriate Malayali community. Said Vijayan, a 24 year old taxi driver from Dubai, “We hope that this will pave the way for the release of such classic movies as ‘Kinnarathumbikal’ on DVD. For those of us who grew up on Surya TV in the golden age of Mallu Porn, what passes for porn these days is an affront to our culture and tastes.”

Yo Gawd

It’s summer time again, and that can mean only one thing – pure, unadulterated boredom. The only relief that I get is in the form of lengthy chats with Unnikuttan. My favourite sparring partner on the topics of religion, faith and the “chosen” destiny of Israel, Unnikuttan is now an ex-neocon. His political views may have toned down, but his faith is still unshakeable. So as soon as the little button next to his name goes green on GTalk, I prod him with very deep philosophical questions like “What’s the dealio with the two creation stories in Genesis?” and “Do you think dinosaurs and humans co-existed?” For unknown reasons – maybe he is equally bored at work – he responds, and we get into prolonged debates; with breaks taken only for lunch and unavoidable meetings with project guides.

The conversations take interesting turns in between, and a wide range of topics are discussed – evolution, veracity of the Bible, applicability of the “Mosaic” laws, homosexuality as a sin, etc. The last one caused me a bit of trouble, as my neighbours were curious to know why I was studying the Wikipedia article on homosexuality so carefully. And as Unnikuttan sent across a barrage of links to prove his line of reasoning, I conceded the argument on what causes homosexuality very quickly – it wasn’t worth the embarrassment at the office. (I had already raised a few eyebrows by repeatedly playing the song “Teri Or” from Singh is Kinng in the office. My office-mates are convinced that it’s the only Hindi movie I have seen. I also received helpful enquiries on whether I needed the song translated. Why do people always underestimate the Hindi skills of Mallus?) By close of day, ceasefire agreements are drawn up and consented to. The final words are inevitably recommendations of the works of Richard Dawkins, Christopher Hitchens and C S Lewis to each other. The next day, however, everything is forgotten and we start afresh. The amount of chat logs we have accumulated through our arguments over all these years should be enough to fill a book.

Our latest round has been going on for 4-5 days now, and Unnikuttan is positively fatigued. “You are so close-minded!” he says in exasperation. I realise that we have come to a stage where neither person is listening to each other, and I look for new directions to take the conversation in. Discussions about work, IPL and movies are non-starters and fizz away. In a last ditch effort to maintain an interesting dialogue, I start to explain the Yo Dawg internet meme to Unnikuttan. He isn’t particularly interested. And all the while I am trying to resist the temptation to add “Hey, did you know that the term meme was popularised by Richard Dawkins in his book The Selfish Gene?”

Very soon chat history repeats itself.

Credit where credit is due

And a quick note of appreciation for the duo that paved the way for Obama’s historic win – David Palmer and Jack Bauer.

PS. I am currently on the seventh season of The West Wing. The parallels between this season and the 2008 race are simply amazing.

PPS. Watched this show by Veronica Mars creator Rob Thomas called Cupid. As is wont with most good shows, this one was also cancelled very soon. But it’s being resurrected in a new avatar. Fingers crossed.

Found it!

Well, almost… It’s the Hindi version of the Alukkas ad starring Chitrangadha Singh.

Why Pokiri is Best.Movie.Ever – with video evidence, of course

I think I have mentioned by Pokiri obsession quite a few times on this blog. I have lost track of how many times I have seen the movie. I have gotten all my North Indian friends also to watch it, spreading the joy with a missionary zeal. Anyhow, after reading this blog post from Philip, I felt like I had to clarify a point or two. Ileana’s hotness aside, there are so many other reasons why Pokiri is a cinematic classic of our times. Instead of critiquing the movie and its plot as a whole, I shall present some of the scenes from the movie that simply stand out. I have listed only a few here as I could not find all the brillia-o-nt scenes on YouTube.

Why Pokiri is Best.Movie.Ever

Because eve-teasers would rather jump onto oncoming trains than get beaten up by Mahesh Babu.

Because nothing defuses the tension after an intense emotional scene, like an Ileana beach song.

Because Mahesh Babu has the guts to do what every guy wants to do. Seriously, as it is guys don’t need too many excuses to stare at a girl’s top. But catchy phrases on them are as legit as the excuses can get. Also, how can you not fall in love with the way Ileana says “awesome”! (Embedded link not working. Click here.)

Because even though Mahesh Babu is a better dancer than only Mammootty, this song is a joy to watch. Note how he controls his chelas with mere stares and the snapping of fingers.

Because once Mahesh Babu commits himself, he NEVER backs off! (Embedded link not working. Click here.)

Because the one thing that stands between Mahesh Babu and Ileana getting together is not Prakash Raj, it’s an upma tiffin. (Video with subtitles.)

Because this creepy uncle guy is way better than Vadivelu.

And finally because I have no words to describe this lift scene. (Embedded link not working. Click here.)

No intelligence allowed

Regular readers of my blog, if any, might be aware of my acute disdain for religion in general and pseudosciences like Intelligent Design in particular. But the truth is, I’m actually glad that there exist people crazy enough to peddle these “theories” through the internet and other media. It’s true what they say about atheists and their smug sense of superiority. What’s the point in being right, if there is no one to brag to? Which is why I am eagerly looking forward to a new documentary called “Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed” by some schmuck named Ben Stein. There are already sites like ExpelledExposed.com that debunk the movie. But some people have taken the more creative and funny route, like this video on YouTube.

I am most intrigued by the last part. Did Richard Dawkins ever publicly discuss the Stork theory?

van Kalip Demerit Thorn: Priyadarshan

I had heard on Zoom TV a while back about Priyadarshan’s latest project in Bollywood. It was to star Shahrukh Khan and Irrfan Khan, with the former Khan playing a superstar. My suspicions were immediately aroused, and then confirmed by this article. This time around Priyadarshan was copying a Malayalam movie that had only recently been made, Katha Parayumbol. It makes me extremely angry to see this talentless hack shamelessly rip Malayalam movies that were not even made by him and make such a name for himself. Hera Pheri is considered as one of the classic Bollywood comedies. How I wish people in North India would call him out for the the a**hole that he is. The Wikipedia article about him contains detailed descriptions of all his plagiarized movies. His modus operandi consists of picking a classic comedy movie, preferably one by Siddique-Lal, changing the setting to Mumbai and throwing in a few songs in exotic locations with skimpily clad females in the background. He has brought shame and embarrassment to all movie-loving Mallus and for this reason, I confer upon him the van Kalip Demerit Thorn. The bastard that he is, he might even try to contact me about the possibility of a cash prize.

My issues with Priyadarshan do not just end with his flicking of stories. It is also the quality of his Malayalam movies. Most of them are silly slapstick comedies that rely a lot on implausible mistaken identities. Sure, there have been exceptions – restrained efforts like “Mukundanetta… Sumithra Vilikkunnu“, “Kilukkam” and “Chitram“. But to me, a Priyadarshan comedy is automatically associated with half-thought out scripts and overacting. His favourite “comedy” routine can be summarized like this:

Actor 1: <some offensive statement, spoken in low breath>
Actor 2: <takes offense and gets ready for argument>
Actor 1: Alla, njan paranjathu <comment sounding similar to previous one, but meaning something totally different>

Another of his favourites is a chaotic scene at restaurant/ice cream parlour with a lot of food being thrown around. I don’t think a lot of people find Kuthiravattom Pappu with ice cream on his face that funny.

I am also offended by the fact that he is married to the actress Lissy. That someone who looks like him could be married to someone as beautiful as her should alone suffice as proof that there is no justice in this world. I am reminded of this website I recently discovered called “Hot Chicks with Douchebags” (probably NSFW). If only I had a photo of this happy couple that I could submit to this site.

Thoughts on some movies recently seen

They say disappointment is directly proportional to expectations. Which is why I am very disappointed by Jodhaa Akbar. I expected much more from Ashutosh Gowariker. It is not the length of the movie that turned me against it. In fact, Swades is one of the few Hindi movies I hold in high regard, even though it could have used some chopping up. Heck, you put Shahrukh Khan in jeans and shirt instead of Polo and DKNY attire, and chances are I would like the movie. But Swades had something else going for it; the story seemed to have some purpose, however cheesy or corny it might have been. Jodhaa Akbar, supposedly more of a romance than a history lesson, traces the love between the Mughal emperor and the Rajput princess as a function of time, it being zero at the time of marriage and rising to the level of immortal love by the end of the movie. The movie consists of a series of challenges – at regular intervals – to this ever increasing function, in the form of conspiring mullahs and foster mothers. The problem I have with the movie is that these obstacles seem trivial and cliched and are resolved within short time spans. In other words, rather than have them snowball into one grand climax, they becomes a series of anecdotes. Since I am feeling especially mathematical today, let me put it this way – the domains in which the local maxima of the function become global maxima are too short.

Some scenes of the movie were especially torturous. Like the gratuitous display of Hrithik Roshan’s torso as he perfects his sword play, with Jodhaa aka Sunheri “like, checking him out.” The scene where Akbar praises Jodha’s culinary skills endlessly actually made me shout out “tareef pe tareef, tareef pe tareef.” The war scenes were amateurishly shot – I have seen Mallu movies with better special effects. The only redeeming feature of the movie was A R Rahman’s songs.

* * * *

I have been spending an awful lot of time with Kaptaan these days. Maybe with his permission I can recount some of his interview experiences on this blog sometime later – mine are very sedate compared to his. Under his influence I have started watching Haddu movies a lot. There have been the occasional rotten ones, like Happy. But overall they are much more enjoyable than most Bollywood flicks. A few Haddus have been surprised by my sudden interest in Telugu movies. The reasons are very simple. Click here and here to find out. Kaptaan and I have agreed in principle to produce, sometime in the future, a movie starring both Ileana and Genelia. Of course, all of this hinges critically on the both of us becoming wealthy, ass bankers and making enough money before these two become too old. (I suspect that this is Kaptaan’s answer to the ever-elusive “Why MBA?” question.) To cut costs we have even decided to shoot the obligatory Ileana beach song in Kovalam. I fear I may have revealed too much of our business plan already. Let me end this post with a request to all Haddus to help me find subtitles for the following movies – Dhee, Devadasu, Khatarnak and Aata.

PS. Also currently watching Battlestar Galactica. Never thought I would be a fan of science fiction.

Ad nostalgia

For a “series of tubes“, the internet is a freaking awesome invention. I mean, apart from all the utilities it provides, every once in a while it throws up something that takes you back a few years and refreshes some warm old memories. For instance, I recently came across a few episodes of this TV series called “Now and Again” on openflv.com. Back when AXN was filled with B-grade fare like VIP and Silk Stalkings, this was one of the few shows that I used to enjoy. It starred a pre-24 Dennis Haysbert and managed to successfully pull off an odd mix of science fiction and dramedy. And for a show that was cancelled after only one season, it still has a strong internet fan base. Watching it again reminded me of the good old days, when life was still not ruined by JEE preparations.

* * *

Whenever I go home, I never pass up on a chance to watch one of the latest movies at a theatre. Mostly because of 2 reasons – 1) Tickets are damn cheap. For anyone who has had to shell out more than 150-200 Rs for tickets at the multiplexes, the Rs 35 tickets back home is peanuts. And even if the movie is bad, the money can be considered as a worthwhile donation to the ailing Malayalam film industry. 2) It’s more about the experience. And a big part of that is the ads screened before the movie starts. The right ads are enough for you to keep coming back, even if Mohanlal insists on acting in the most horrendous movies.

Now, these are not just any ads. They are made especially to be shown in movie theatres and are mostly for jeweleries and wedding sarees. For some reason, these two are very huge advertisers in Kerala. You can’t watch any Mallu channel without escaping their ads. And for most parts, they get it right with rare exceptions like Atlas Jewelers. But the theatrical ads are even more spectacular, often featuring elaborate song and dance routines. For me watching these ads has become an integral part of the movie going experience. Which is why I was very pissed off on my recent visit to find that most of the jeweleries had dropped their tried and tested ads for newer, supposedly hipper ads.

I really don’t understand why they had to change a good thing. And I’m sure that there are many others like me who will miss the old ads. Luckily for us, most of these are already on YouTube. Here are some of my favourites.

• Bhima (Pennaayal Ponnu Venam) – They have had this song for as long as I can remember.
  
• Jos Alukkas (Penne Ninne Sundari Aakiyatharu) – This one’s even more special because we had a parody version of this song dedicated to a classmate and the entire class would break into impromptu renditions of it, just to get on his nerves.
  
• Jayalakshmi (Madhuraswapnangal) – Love this song.
  
• Joy Alukkas (Chila Neram) – Brilliant song, beautifully picturised on Chitrangadha Singh. I am running out of adjectives. Sadly could not find this online.
• Kalyan Silks (Thai ad)