Why Pokiri is Best.Movie.Ever - with video evidence, of course

I think I have mentioned by Pokiri obsession quite a few times on this blog. I have lost track of how many times I have seen the movie. I have gotten all my North Indian friends also to watch it, spreading the joy with a missionary zeal. Anyhow, after reading this blog post from Philip, I felt like I had to clarify a point or two. Ileana’s hotness aside, there are so many other reasons why Pokiri is a cinematic classic of our times. Instead of critiquing the movie and its plot as a whole, I shall present some of the scenes from the movie that simply stand out. I have listed only a few here as I could not find all the brillia-o-nt scenes on YouTube.

Why Pokiri is Best.Movie.Ever

Because eve-teasers would rather jump onto oncoming trains than get beaten up by Mahesh Babu.

Because nothing defuses the tension after an intense emotional scene, like an Ileana beach song.

Because Mahesh Babu has the guts to do what every guy wants to do. Seriously, as it is guys don’t need too many excuses to stare at a girl’s top. But catchy phrases on them are as legit as the excuses can get. Also, how can you not fall in love with the way Ileana says “awesome”! (Embedded link not working. Click here.)

Because even though Mahesh Babu is a better dancer than only Mammootty, this song is a joy to watch. Note how he controls his chelas with mere stares and the snapping of fingers.

Because once Mahesh Babu commits himself, he NEVER backs off! (Embedded link not working. Click here.)

Because the one thing that stands between Mahesh Babu and Ileana getting together is not Prakash Raj, it’s an upma tiffin. (Video with subtitles.)

Because this creepy uncle guy is way better than Vadivelu.

And finally because I have no words to describe this lift scene. (Embedded link not working. Click here.)

No intelligence allowed

Regular readers of my blog, if any, might be aware of my acute disdain for religion in general and pseudosciences like Intelligent Design in particular. But the truth is, I’m actually glad that there exist people crazy enough to peddle these “theories” through the internet and other media. It’s true what they say about atheists and their smug sense of superiority. What’s the point in being right, if there is no one to brag to? Which is why I am eagerly looking forward to a new documentary called “Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed” by some schmuck named Ben Stein. There are already sites like ExpelledExposed.com that debunk the movie. But some people have taken the more creative and funny route, like this video on YouTube.

I am most intrigued by the last part. Did Richard Dawkins ever publicly discuss the Stork theory?

van Kalip Demerit Thorn: Priyadarshan

I had heard on Zoom TV a while back about Priyadarshan’s latest project in Bollywood. It was to star Shahrukh Khan and Irrfan Khan, with the former Khan playing a superstar. My suspicions were immediately aroused, and then confirmed by this article. This time around Priyadarshan was copying a Malayalam movie that had only recently been made, Katha Parayumbol. It makes me extremely angry to see this talentless hack shamelessly rip Malayalam movies that were not even made by him and make such a name for himself. Hera Pheri is considered as one of the classic Bollywood comedies. How I wish people in North India would call him out for the the a**hole that he is. The Wikipedia article about him contains detailed descriptions of all his plagiarized movies. His modus operandi consists of picking a classic comedy movie, preferably one by Siddique-Lal, changing the setting to Mumbai and throwing in a few songs in exotic locations with skimpily clad females in the background. He has brought shame and embarrassment to all movie-loving Mallus and for this reason, I confer upon him the van Kalip Demerit Thorn. The bastard that he is, he might even try to contact me about the possibility of a cash prize.

My issues with Priyadarshan do not just end with his flicking of stories. It is also the quality of his Malayalam movies. Most of them are silly slapstick comedies that rely a lot on implausible mistaken identities. Sure, there have been exceptions - restrained efforts like “Mukundanetta… Sumithra Vilikkunnu“, “Kilukkam” and “Chitram“. But to me, a Priyadarshan comedy is automatically associated with half-thought out scripts and overacting. His favourite “comedy” routine can be summarized like this:

Actor 1: <some offensive statement, spoken in low breath>
Actor 2: <takes offense and gets ready for argument>
Actor 1: Alla, njan paranjathu <comment sounding similar to previous one, but meaning something totally different>

Another of his favourites is a chaotic scene at restaurant/ice cream parlour with a lot of food being thrown around. I don’t think a lot of people find Kuthiravattom Pappu with ice cream on his face that funny.

I am also offended by the fact that he is married to the actress Lissy. That someone who looks like him could be married to someone as beautiful as her should alone suffice as proof that there is no justice in this world. I am reminded of this website I recently discovered called “Hot Chicks with Douchebags” (probably NSFW). If only I had a photo of this happy couple that I could submit to this site.

Thoughts on some movies recently seen

They say disappointment is directly proportional to expectations. Which is why I am very disappointed by Jodhaa Akbar. I expected much more from Ashutosh Gowariker. It is not the length of the movie that turned me against it. In fact, Swades is one of the few Hindi movies I hold in high regard, even though it could have used some chopping up. Heck, you put Shahrukh Khan in jeans and shirt instead of Polo and DKNY attire, and chances are I would like the movie. But Swades had something else going for it; the story seemed to have some purpose, however cheesy or corny it might have been. Jodhaa Akbar, supposedly more of a romance than a history lesson, traces the love between the Mughal emperor and the Rajput princess as a function of time, it being zero at the time of marriage and rising to the level of immortal love by the end of the movie. The movie consists of a series of challenges - at regular intervals - to this ever increasing function, in the form of conspiring mullahs and foster mothers. The problem I have with the movie is that these obstacles seem trivial and cliched and are resolved within short time spans. In other words, rather than have them snowball into one grand climax, they becomes a series of anecdotes. Since I am feeling especially mathematical today, let me put it this way - the domains in which the local maxima of the function become global maxima are too short.

Some scenes of the movie were especially torturous. Like the gratuitous display of Hrithik Roshan’s torso as he perfects his sword play, with Jodhaa aka Sunheri “like, checking him out.” The scene where Akbar praises Jodha’s culinary skills endlessly actually made me shout out “tareef pe tareef, tareef pe tareef.” The war scenes were amateurishly shot - I have seen Mallu movies with better special effects. The only redeeming feature of the movie was A R Rahman’s songs.

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I have been spending an awful lot of time with Kaptaan these days. Maybe with his permission I can recount some of his interview experiences on this blog sometime later - mine are very sedate compared to his. Under his influence I have started watching Haddu movies a lot. There have been the occasional rotten ones, like Happy. But overall they are much more enjoyable than most Bollywood flicks. A few Haddus have been surprised by my sudden interest in Telugu movies. The reasons are very simple. Click here and here to find out. Kaptaan and I have agreed in principle to produce, sometime in the future, a movie starring both Ileana and Genelia. Of course, all of this hinges critically on the both of us becoming wealthy, ass bankers and making enough money before these two become too old. (I suspect that this is Kaptaan’s answer to the ever-elusive “Why MBA?” question.) To cut costs we have even decided to shoot the obligatory Ileana beach song in Kovalam. I fear I may have revealed too much of our business plan already. Let me end this post with a request to all Haddus to help me find subtitles for the following movies - Dhee, Devadasu, Khatarnak and Aata.

PS. Also currently watching Battlestar Galactica. Never thought I would be a fan of science fiction.

Ad nostalgia

For a “series of tubes“, the internet is a freaking awesome invention. I mean, apart from all the utilities it provides, every once in a while it throws up something that takes you back a few years and refreshes some warm old memories. For instance, I recently came across a few episodes of this TV series called “Now and Again” on openflv.com. Back when AXN was filled with B-grade fare like VIP and Silk Stalkings, this was one of the few shows that I used to enjoy. It starred a pre-24 Dennis Haysbert and managed to successfully pull off an odd mix of science fiction and dramedy. And for a show that was cancelled after only one season, it still has a strong internet fan base. Watching it again reminded me of the good old days, when life was still not ruined by JEE preparations.

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Whenever I go home, I never pass up on a chance to watch one of the latest movies at a theatre. Mostly because of 2 reasons - 1) Tickets are damn cheap. For anyone who has had to shell out more than 150-200 Rs for tickets at the multiplexes, the Rs 35 tickets back home is peanuts. And even if the movie is bad, the money can be considered as a worthwhile donation to the ailing Malayalam film industry. 2) It’s more about the experience. And a big part of that is the ads screened before the movie starts. The right ads are enough for you to keep coming back, even if Mohanlal insists on acting in the most horrendous movies.

Now, these are not just any ads. They are made especially to be shown in movie theatres and are mostly for jeweleries and wedding sarees. For some reason, these two are very huge advertisers in Kerala. You can’t watch any Mallu channel without escaping their ads. And for most parts, they get it right with rare exceptions like Atlas Jewelers. But the theatrical ads are even more spectacular, often featuring elaborate song and dance routines. For me watching these ads has become an integral part of the movie going experience. Which is why I was very pissed off on my recent visit to find that most of the jeweleries had dropped their tried and tested ads for newer, supposedly hipper ads.

I really don’t understand why they had to change a good thing. And I’m sure that there are many others like me who will miss the old ads. Luckily for us, most of these are already on YouTube. Here are some of my favourites.

• Bhima (Pennaayal Ponnu Venam) - They have had this song for as long as I can remember.
  
• Jos Alukkas (Penne Ninne Sundari Aakiyatharu) - This one’s even more special because we had a parody version of this song dedicated to a classmate and the entire class would break into impromptu renditions of it, just to get on his nerves.
  
• Jayalakshmi (Madhuraswapnangal) - Love this song.
  
• Joy Alukkas (Chila Neram) - Brilliant song, beautifully picturised on Chitrangadha Singh. I am running out of adjectives. Sadly could not find this online.
• Kalyan Silks (Thai ad)
  

Brillia-o-nt

I’m surprised this show even completed Season 1, let alone be renewed for a second one.

Five things I’ll miss about CTU

If the spoilers for Season 7 of 24 are to be believed, the Counter Terrorist Unit (CTU) has been disbanded and the setting of the show has been shifted to Washington DC. Who would have thought that the American government would be so ungrateful to an organisation that has saved their ass so many times. It’s a known fact that since 24 started airing on TV, America hasn’t been hit by the terrorists at home. Will 24 be able to outlive the agency that has become synonymous with it? Only time will tell. As a homage to CTU, I list here five things that I will miss, once CTU is no more.

1. Terrorist attacks on CTU : Jack Bauer might have stopped terrorist attacks in a lot of places, but CTU’s office in LA hasn’t been one of them. CTU is a must-visit spot for terrorists stopping over at LA. This over-used plot device is the default go-to for the writers when they hit a creative brick wall. In fact I am surprised that they managed to stave it off till the fag end of that shitty Season 6.
2. Protocols, parameters and other mumbo jumbo : Raise your hands if you think CTU agents spend too much time “setting up protocols” or “opening up a filter to some satellite.” I mean, I’ve tried to look at all possible definitions for protocol on the net, but still can’t find one that can be “set up” in the short time span afforded by 24. But again, we are willing to give a break to the writers - set up all the protocols you need, just as long as Jack kicks some terrorist ass.
3. Servers : CTU Los Angeles has quite the server farm, and I used to think all those machines shown were the futuristic models, only meant for fictional government organisations like CTU. But I was pleasantly surprised when I got a chance to fiddle with servers such as those in 24 at our institute’s computer centre. Makes me appreciate Chloe even more.
4. Whack-a-mole : It’s hard to recall a season of 24 where CTU wasn’t infiltrated by a mole. They should get Jack to interrogate all new recruits. There is no secret/conspiracy that a gun shot to the thigh won’t bring to light.
5. Eye candy : From Nina Myers to Michelle Dessler, recruiters at CTU have always had a soft spot for the hot babes. Not that anyone’s complaning. Especially not when Kim Bauer herself decided to start fighting terrorists instead of cougars.

If like me, you too are suffering from 24 Withdrawal Syndrome, be sure to check out these inspirational 24 posters here. I personally prefer the ‘Daughter’ one - it is currently my wallpaper.

Alive and kicking, barely

So, as you can imagine, I have been extremely busy during the past few weeks and don’t see how that’s going to change any time this semester. CAT preparations and my department have conspired to make my life a living hell. But I do not wish to torture the few remaining readers of this blog with the details. This post is a combined review of all the summer movies that I caught up with really late.

I saw a grand total of three movies in the past month - very depressing, I know. Knocked Up had all the right buzz and Judd Appatow seems to be everywhere these days. While the movie was infinitely better than run-of-the-mill slapsticks, the ending was not convincing enough for me. But another Appatow production, Superbad, was super awesome - as any movie that has Michael Cera ought to be. Basically Cera played a character not unlike George-Michael Bluth while Jonah Hill was a male version of Maeby Funke, except that they are not related. As many reviewers pointed out, you cannot miss the strong “chemistry” between them. The Bourne Ultimatum is the best action movies that I have seen lately. A rare example of a threequel being better than any of the preceding movies.

Also appreciated in the past weeks was Season 1 of the HBO series Rome. This is the kind of series that sets HBO apart from its competitors - excellent writing, acting and production values. If anyone knows where I can find Season 2 online, please let me know. And in a mock-tests induced depression over the last weekend, I finished watching this series called My So-Called Life that exceeded all expectations I had for a show about teenagers in high school. Claire Danes was simply superb in it, and it’s a pity that it lasted only for one season. Why is it that all the good shows get cancelled so early?

* * * *

Meanwhile, seniors who passed out of the institute last year keep IMing me to find out what’s new here in Roorkee. Nothing much has changed here, except for this new brilliant money-making plot hatched by the evil geniuses at our department - a Lipton tea vending machine right next to our classes. They must make enough money out of it, to start refusing grants from the Ministry of HRD. On the plus side, all the coffee keeps me awake in class.

8 simple facts

I was tagged by The Piker way back in June but somehow never got around to replying. Even the holy cow, KR, responded. It would be very rude of me not to do the same. I copy-paste the rules of the tag from Piker’s post, blatantly disregarding any copyright notices.

1. Each player starts with 8 random facts/habits about themselves.
2. People who are tagged, write a blog post about their own 8 random things, and post these rules.
3. At the end of your post you need to tag 8 people and include their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment and tell them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.
4. If you fail to do this within eight hours, you will not reach Third Series or attain your most precious goals for at least two more lifetimes.

As I started listing possible facts, I detected an eerie similarity between mine and The Piker’s. You be the judge.

1. I too love music. That is, any music which is not rock music. I cannot tolerate any variant of rock music - punk, heavy metal, trash, garbage, whatever. This hasn’t, however, stopped me from venturing the most ludicrous guesses during the obligatory 10-15 rock music questions in every Lit Sec quiz.
2. I watch any and every crappy show on television. My favourites though are Arrested Development, Seinfeld and 24. I have recently started watching Veronica Mars, and swore that I would never watch another CW show if they cancelled it. Like that’s going to be very tough!
3. I am an extremely funny guy - I think you all realise that by now. Even in school, my PJs were legendary. I specialise in a brand of PJs that cater to a niche audience of Mallus well-versed in Hindi. Sample this.
   

   Q) What is the height of velaapan?
   A) I don’t know. Why don’t you ask his friend Kuttapan.

4. I am an internet addict and have the capacity to avoid normal social contact for abnormal periods of time. I have subscribed to over 50 feeds on Google Reader and spend most of my time on the forums of Digg and Slashdot or on Wikipedia.
5. I can spend as little or as much time on sleep as I choose. Depends on whether I have anything better to do during sleep time.
6. Like The Piker, I too am suffering from hair loss. But unlike him mine has progressed to a stage where I cannot hide it with “tenuous layer of hair”. My mom has given up hope.
7. When I was in third standard, my mother forced me to take music lessons - classical music, no less. I hated it so much, I begged her to discontinue lessons. Finally I resorted to locking myself in the bathroom every time the teacher came. That did the trick.
8. I am an Ubuntu fanboy. You will find Ubuntu stickers in the oddest places in my room. In fact, the day Google releases Google Talk for Linux, I am dumping my Windows installation.

And now, on to the hard part - finding eight people to continue the tag. So I tag - Arjun*, Philip, Unnikuttan, Kishku, Nishita, Lefty, Khandekar and Banga.

* Arjun may take up the tag whenever he is in the mood to start another blog.

PS. Another similarity to The Piker. I am also single. Sigh!

van Kalip Demerit Thorn: Kerala Cafe

As you all might know, or not - I really don’t care - I had spent most of the summer in IIT Delhi. When a Mallu goes to a new place, he is dying to meet some fellow Mallus - so that they can reminisce about Mohanlal’s classic movies from the ’80s or speculate where Achu Maama is going next with his bulldozer. He also hopes to find an eatery of some sort where he can get good old rice, sambar and thoran. If not, any South Indian place with masala dosa and idli on them menu will suffice. What he doesn’t want happening is to hear from his friends about a “Kerala Cafe” located very close to the IIT only to find that it is a dhaba that serves, well, whatever it is that you get in a typical North Indian dhaba - paranthas, rajma chawal and so on. So much for his dreams of some porotta and maybe even beef. Their speciality, advertised on huge boards, is chowmein. This is just plain offensive to any Keralite who likes his karimeen porichathu and neymeen vechathu. The owner of the ‘cafe’, with his moustache and chandanakuri, was evidently a Mallu and I had half a mind to let him know how uncool this was. But I decided to punish him with something even worse - the van Kalip Demerit Thorn.

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The van Kalip Merit Stars and Demerit Thorns are loosely based on the merit and demerit system used by van Kalip’s teachers in middle school to reward the good students and shame the bad ones. There would be a chart in the classroom with the names of all the students and columns for merits and demerits. (I always felt sorry for the loser kids that made them.) Good deeds, like topping a class test, would be rewarded with a merit (black dot) and bad ones, like talking in class, fetched you a red demerit dot. Collect 5 of each kind to get a star or a thorn. It was without any doubt, an unfair system as merits/demerits were awarded arbitrarily upon the discretion of the teachers, without any sort of guidelines. van Kalip caused so much kalip even in those days, you could say he had a penchant for picking up demerits. And also for speaking of himself in third person.