It was the summer of 2006. I was curiously browsing through Myspace – just to figure out what all the fuss was about. And I somehow landed on BurgerKing’s page. They were having a promotional offer then. The first two episodes of a series called 24 free for download. Remaining upon payment of a certain sum of money. Jobless as I was at that time and lured by the snazzy ‘Free Download’ image, I did just that. My first impressions weren’t that great, although I was pleasantly surprised to find Elisha Cuthbert on the show. Anyway after watching the mildly interesting first two episodes I figured I didn’t have the patience or the resilience to download the remaining from shady file-hosting sites. Two months later I found the series on our LAN and decided to finish what I had started. And boy, did I enjoy it! It was the beginning of a long love affair. I went on to finish all five season till date in the very same season, even watching the whole of Season 4 within 24 hours. So today I award my Special Merit Star to Jack Bauer, for helping me get through an otherwise boring and uneventful semester.

Of course Jack Bauer has got to be the coolest federal agent around. How many do you know that have hijacked Marine One and kidnapped the President? He has killed a grand total of 161 (and counting) people in a span of 5 days and 20 hours. He has single handedly invaded the embassies of China and Russia and has even spent 18 months in a Chinese prison. And does he have the X-ray vision of Superman or the webslings of Spider-man? No. He does it all with his handy JackSack (aka the world’s deadliest man-purse) and his trusted cellphone. It would then come as no surprise that my first bestselling book is on Jack Bauer himself.

Bestseller

Detractors of the show might be mentioning a crappy sixth season, but give the guy a break. He’s just gotten back from China. And he sure wasn’t vacationing there! Others say that the show is unrealistic and this is not how things work in the real world. But don’t you get it? That’s the whole point of the show. Lord knows how many times I have felt like shouting at the professor during the lecture – “Put down the chalk and step away from the blackboard!”

Special honourable mention: Kim Bauer

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Yeah, we love her! Crappy storylines and boyfriends notwithstanding…

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Kaliptionary: baster

May 5, 2007

Move over Stephen Colbert. van Kalip is back. And he is looking to get himself declared as the Greatest Living Dutchman!

Now what has Colbert achieved that I haven’t? A cable news show? A place on Time Magazine’s annual 100 list? Emmy awards? Thousands of loyal fans? I may not have all these. But I can do the one thing that Colbert is most famous for – coining new words, or at least taking credit for them. Which brings me to my new feature, the kaliptionary. Each post will tackle a new word that has either been created by me or is used frequently in the van Kalip universe. Starting off with…

baster (n): a person who has no aukaad and tries to do things with ‘parents jugaar’ and if suraj (cf Suraj Prakash) wishes that the said person screws up in gre, gets suppli and suicides, it happens.
origin:
corrupted form of bastard

I simply cannot take credit for concocting this brilliant word. That honour goes to Mr Suraj Prakash who in a masterful hate-mail addressed to Sensei Sri-Ram intentionally misspelt the word bastard to give it so many layers of meaning and philosophical relevance that its consequences are yet to be properly understood. The junta in IIT Roorke embraced the word much like Mallus took to kalip, leaving old-fashioned bastard obsolete and antiquated. So popular is it now that there are orkut communities dedicated to it, rounds of quizzes named for it and most importantly, it is used without discrimination or reservation.

When properly examined, it can be observed that baster has three levels of meaning. In the first superficial interpretation, it is used as a common social title. No malice is intended in the use. One of the main reasons for the soaring popularity of this word is the fact that it has proven to be a much-needed pronoun for North-Indians. Andhra guys have their ras and Madrasis have their das, and all this while the Northies were feeling left out. Not any more.

Sometimes the word baster is used in such a manner that for all outward appearances it seems to belong to the first category, but deep inside the user has strong feelings of animosity towards the addressee. This is noticed in the case of certain pseud individuals.

And lastly the third kind, where the usage is nothing short of a declaration of hardly concealed loathing and pity. You might as well have called the other person a bastard. Only, you have the word baster on your clipboard and it is easier to use Ctrl-V than to type in bastard. People who have been subjected to such treatment include the asshole Arijit Sen.

And so in the future if I do decide to post more, don’t be surprised to find me using this word often. Basters who still don’t get it, can contact me personally…NOT!

FAQ

May 5, 2007

Q) What happened to all the posts?

A) How dumb are you? I deleted them.

Q) But why? I thought they were nice…

A) It was a spur of the moment thing. I was following in the footsteps of my good pal Arjun ‘Lungi’ Ramakrishnan.

Q) So why are you back on the blogosphere?

A) My sensei Sri-Ram has started blogging again. He didn’t have any friends on his blogroll. I felt sorry for him and let him add me. But of course, it’s not very polite to leave an empty blog.

Q) So does this mean you won’t be updating your blog?

A) Maybe. Maybe not. Who the *bleep* are you to ask?

Q) Isn’t this van Kalip gimmick a bit outdated/stale by now?

A) Oh really? Let me see your blog title

Q) What’s with the grumpiness?

A) The end semester examinations I am being subjected to might have something to do with it. It’s hard to say. I generally like insulting people online.

Q) Do you still maintain that Simpla is the best WordPress template ever?

A) Oh yeah! Update: I am trying out this new template as you can see. But it’s just because I got bored. Will revert back to Simple some time later.

Q) May I ask how the exam went today?

A) That’s it. Now get out of here before I log your IP address and report you to the FBI for nefarious online activities.