The decision was announced by the Chief Minister at a special press conference jointly organised with the Academy of Mallu Porn Arts and Sciences (AMPAS), popularly known as just the Academy. Applauding the government’s decision, Academy secretary Mr Saagar Kottapuram said that he was very pleased by the government’s decision to stand by them in such tough times. He said, “Through our hard work and creativity, we had built up a very good brand image for Mallu Porn. But now we have every Tom, Dick and Harry exploiting this image by labelling their movies of shady origin as Mallu. Not only are they eating into our revenues, but they are also severely affecting the perception of our brand. I mean, have you seen the kind of actresses that they use? They look like they are 25 years old or younger! People who watch these fake movies are then hooked to these inferior quality movies and never return to Mallu Porn.”

The CM said that the state’s financial resources were under severe strain due to the recession and falling remittances from the Gulf. “GIs not only act as authenticity or quality marks, but also provide for proper registration and taxation procedures. We estimate that the move will bring in additional revenues of Rs 100 crores, while providing a boost to the Mallu Porn industry which has been in the doldrums recently. I think we made a mistake in our Look East policy by trying to emulate the China model. We should have realised that the Thai model was better suited to our economy.”

The culture minister, who was also present at the press conference, said that the decision was taken after due consideration of all the potential fallouts. The government was aware of concerns raised about Kerala’s image and reputation, he said. “We had commissioned a detailed study by the Bhatinda Consulting Group to understand the key issues and give their recommendations. What we found out was that our state’s reputation was already damaged beyond repair by the Mallu Porn industry. People across the country associated the term Mallu with high quality porn. Given this situation, the best option for us was to embrace this and try to make the best out of our reputation. Major rebranding exercises are already underway and the Tourism department will soon launch their new tagline, God’s Porn Country”, said the Minister.

The move has been welcomed by citizens across the country. Connoisseurs of Mallu Porn now feel that if the status is properly implemented, they will no longer have to settle for generic porn movies after searching for Mallu Porn on torrents or DC++. They feel that such a move was long overdue. But perhaps, no bigger group of people have been made happier by this step than the expatriate Malayali community. Said Vijayan, a 24 year old taxi driver from Dubai, “We hope that this will pave the way for the release of such classic movies as ‘Kinnarathumbikal’ on DVD. For those of us who grew up on Surya TV in the golden age of Mallu Porn, what passes for porn these days is an affront to our culture and tastes.”

The conversations take interesting turns in between, and a wide range of topics are discussed – evolution, veracity of the Bible, applicability of the “Mosaic” laws, homosexuality as a sin, etc. The last one caused me a bit of trouble, as my neighbours were curious to know why I was studying the Wikipedia article on homosexuality so carefully. And as Unnikuttan sent across a barrage of links to prove his line of reasoning, I conceded the argument on what causes homosexuality very quickly – it wasn’t worth the embarrassment at the office. (I had already raised a few eyebrows by repeatedly playing the song “Teri Or” from Singh is Kinng in the office. My office-mates are convinced that it’s the only Hindi movie I have seen. I also received helpful enquiries on whether I needed the song translated. Why do people always underestimate the Hindi skills of Mallus?) By close of day, ceasefire agreements are drawn up and consented to. The final words are inevitably recommendations of the works of Richard Dawkins, Christopher Hitchens and C S Lewis to each other. The next day, however, everything is forgotten and we start afresh. The amount of chat logs we have accumulated through our arguments over all these years should be enough to fill a book.

Our latest round has been going on for 4-5 days now, and Unnikuttan is positively fatigued. “You are so close-minded!” he says in exasperation. I realise that we have come to a stage where neither person is listening to each other, and I look for new directions to take the conversation in. Discussions about work, IPL and movies are non-starters and fizz away. In a last ditch effort to maintain an interesting dialogue, I start to explain the Yo Dawg internet meme to Unnikuttan. He isn’t particularly interested. And all the while I am trying to resist the temptation to add “Hey, did you know that the term meme was popularised by Richard Dawkins in his book The Selfish Gene?”

Very soon chat history repeats itself.

PS. I am currently on the seventh season of The West Wing. The parallels between this season and the 2008 race are simply amazing.

PPS. Watched this show by Veronica Mars creator Rob Thomas called Cupid. As is wont with most good shows, this one was also cancelled very soon. But it’s being resurrected in a new avatar. Fingers crossed.

Why Pokiri is Best.Movie.Ever

Because eve-teasers would rather jump onto oncoming trains than get beaten up by Mahesh Babu.

Because nothing defuses the tension after an intense emotional scene, like an Ileana beach song.

Because Mahesh Babu has the guts to do what every guy wants to do. Seriously, as it is guys don’t need too many excuses to stare at a girl’s top. But catchy phrases on them are as legit as the excuses can get. Also, how can you not fall in love with the way Ileana says “awesome”! (Embedded link not working. Click here.)

Because even though Mahesh Babu is a better dancer than only Mammootty, this song is a joy to watch. Note how he controls his chelas with mere stares and the snapping of fingers.

Because once Mahesh Babu commits himself, he NEVER backs off! (Embedded link not working. Click here.)

Because the one thing that stands between Mahesh Babu and Ileana getting together is not Prakash Raj, it’s an upma tiffin. (Video with subtitles.)

Because this creepy uncle guy is way better than Vadivelu.

And finally because I have no words to describe this lift scene. (Embedded link not working. Click here.)

I am most intrigued by the last part. Did Richard Dawkins ever publicly discuss the Stork theory?

* * *

Whenever I go home, I never pass up on a chance to watch one of the latest movies at a theatre. Mostly because of 2 reasons – 1) Tickets are damn cheap. For anyone who has had to shell out more than 150-200 Rs for tickets at the multiplexes, the Rs 35 tickets back home is peanuts. And even if the movie is bad, the money can be considered as a worthwhile donation to the ailing Malayalam film industry. 2) It’s more about the experience. And a big part of that is the ads screened before the movie starts. The right ads are enough for you to keep coming back, even if Mohanlal insists on acting in the most horrendous movies.

Now, these are not just any ads. They are made especially to be shown in movie theatres and are mostly for jeweleries and wedding sarees. For some reason, these two are very huge advertisers in Kerala. You can’t watch any Mallu channel without escaping their ads. And for most parts, they get it right with rare exceptions like Atlas Jewelers. But the theatrical ads are even more spectacular, often featuring elaborate song and dance routines. For me watching these ads has become an integral part of the movie going experience. Which is why I was very pissed off on my recent visit to find that most of the jeweleries had dropped their tried and tested ads for newer, supposedly hipper ads.

I really don’t understand why they had to change a good thing. And I’m sure that there are many others like me who will miss the old ads. Luckily for us, most of these are already on YouTube. Here are some of my favourites.

• Bhima (Pennaayal Ponnu Venam) – They have had this song for as long as I can remember.
  
• Jos Alukkas (Penne Ninne Sundari Aakiyatharu) – This one’s even more special because we had a parody version of this song dedicated to a classmate and the entire class would break into impromptu renditions of it, just to get on his nerves.
  
• Jayalakshmi (Madhuraswapnangal) – Love this song.
  
• Joy Alukkas (Chila Neram) – Brilliant song, beautifully picturised on Chitrangadha Singh. I am running out of adjectives. Sadly could not find this online.
• Kalyan Silks (Thai ad)
  

I’m surprised this show even completed Season 1, let alone be renewed for a second one.

1. Terrorist attacks on CTU : Jack Bauer might have stopped terrorist attacks in a lot of places, but CTU’s office in LA hasn’t been one of them. CTU is a must-visit spot for terrorists stopping over at LA. This over-used plot device is the default go-to for the writers when they hit a creative brick wall. In fact I am surprised that they managed to stave it off till the fag end of that shitty Season 6.
2. Protocols, parameters and other mumbo jumbo : Raise your hands if you think CTU agents spend too much time “setting up protocols” or “opening up a filter to some satellite.” I mean, I’ve tried to look at all possible definitions for protocol on the net, but still can’t find one that can be “set up” in the short time span afforded by 24. But again, we are willing to give a break to the writers – set up all the protocols you need, just as long as Jack kicks some terrorist ass.
3. Servers : CTU Los Angeles has quite the server farm, and I used to think all those machines shown were the futuristic models, only meant for fictional government organisations like CTU. But I was pleasantly surprised when I got a chance to fiddle with servers such as those in 24 at our institute’s computer centre. Makes me appreciate Chloe even more.
4. Whack-a-mole : It’s hard to recall a season of 24 where CTU wasn’t infiltrated by a mole. They should get Jack to interrogate all new recruits. There is no secret/conspiracy that a gun shot to the thigh won’t bring to light.
5. Eye candy : From Nina Myers to Michelle Dessler, recruiters at CTU have always had a soft spot for the hot babes. Not that anyone’s complaning. Especially not when Kim Bauer herself decided to start fighting terrorists instead of cougars.

If like me, you too are suffering from 24 Withdrawal Syndrome, be sure to check out these inspirational 24 posters here. I personally prefer the ‘Daughter’ one – it is currently my wallpaper.