Yet another (yawn…) Reshammiya post

Author’s note: Please don’t be discouraged by the post title. This is much more than just a Reshammiya rant. Read on, Mallus especially.

As I got into work this afternoon and started with my daily ritual of perusing Google News very diligently, I felt like slapping myself silly. How could I have let myself sleep through the morning when this story was breaking! What would Delhi Times have made of this? How can I miss IBN7’s point coverage of a scandal like this? The more I read about the issue the more I realized what an evil genius Reshammiya was.

There is no escaping him on TV these days. He has managed to infiltrate all entertainment channels to the point of saturation. The only channels left were the “news” channels. And now he has got them by the burqah too. Can you imagine the outrage this would cause in India? Rage Boy would definitely have something to say about this. Let’s watch out for him in tomorrow’s news.

Anyway it’s not just how he goes about publicizing his film that has me convinced about his genius. He has done his market research. He has taken lessons from none other than the Thalaivar himself. He figures that if someone who looks like Rajni can achieve so much, why not give it a shot? First, he has to pay tribute to the autorickshaw community of India. Baasha, anyone? Then he has a female villain, someone who pines over him while his affections lay elsewhere. Padayappa, obviously. He also has a heroine half his age, something Rajni has done in all his recent movies.

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But more importantly, Reshammiya is living proof that Mallus are way smarter than North Indians. Because back in the days, we too had a music composer who after singing one hit song, plunged head-on into playback singing. This is the story of how a state and its people fought back against a composer who thought it was his divine right to inflict his voice upon them.

Back in the winter of 2003, a very poor rip-off of The Boondock Saints by a very talented director, Jayaraj, became a huge hit. The music by a newcomer named Jassie Gift was an even bigger hit, thanks mostly to a song that he had sung himself. The song was called ‘Lajjavathiye’ and if like me you had the misfortune of living within 2 km of a temple, you would have been subjected to the indescribable horror of listening to it repeatedly, every time there was a temple festival. Gift’s voice can only be described as that produced by scraping two coconut shells together. On hearing him sing, the listener might be excused for thinking that he was inebriated. So popular were his songs for the movie that the director gave him a starring role in his next movie, ‘Rain Rain Go Away’ or something to that effect.

Jassie Gift became the toast of the town, television channels clamoured for his interviews. The then Cultural Affairs Minister reportedly made statements that the days of Yesudas were numbered. And when the very same song was used by Idea nationwide in one of its ‘Dialer Tones’ ads, I cringed with lajja. I already had my hands full, defending the honour of my state in the aftermath of the Shakeela effect. How was I supposed to explain this too?

Luckily my fears were unfounded. One after the other, his new albums bombed. The people had spoken. One song makes not a singer, and definitely not an actor. Last heard, Jassie Gift was Jassie Gift was last heard, during the previous year’s Kochulloor temple festival. If only the North Indians would also rise up against Reshammiya and say “Enough is enough!”, with due respect, of course, to Samuel L Jackson.

Sivaji: The Boss – The Review

Before I begin with the review, an obligatory nod to Rajni Mania. In its second week, Sivaji: The Boss is currently playing in 7 PVR screens in the NCR and that’s just PVR. So when I found out that Priya had ditched Fantastic Four 2 for Sivaji, I immediately dropped plans of going “sight-seeing” in CP. I got a North Indian friend of mine to come along, promising him a delightful treat for his eyes. At the theatre I was in for a surprise. Every week that I have been in Delhi, without fail I have watched a new movie on the weekend. But never had I seen them booked full. Even more surprisingly, there were guys loafing around the ticket counter selling tickets at 150-200 Rs. (Theatres these days don’t mind people selling their tickets in the black or what?) Luckily five minutes before the show we found a black marketer desperate enough to get the tickets off his hands for Rs 100. The hall was filled with maddus and half-blood maddus. Loud cheers, whistles and claps went up as the trailer for ‘Sultan’ was shown first. My shell-shocked friend asked me, “What is wrong with these people?” I grinned back, “Wait till they show Rajni’s face on the screen for the first time.”

Talking about the movie, it has a script that is logical and coherent enough for the audiences to ignore it and concentrate on what they have come to enjoy – Rajni and his mannerisms. The script doesn’t offer much by way of originality, compared to say Chandramukhi. (I haven’t seen Chandramukhi yet, but I would imagine that any half-decent remake of Manichitrathazhu would have a better script than Sivaji. Rajni, as always is stellar, or is it super-stellar? And Shreya Sarin, these days, does wonderful things to me in my dreams. I don’t think any other actress could have pulled off the sexy in traditional and hardly-there costumes, the way she has. Again, I haven’t seen too many Rajni movies, but this one had the best comedy routines of the ones that I had seen. What also works for the movie is the constant references to previous movies of Shankar and Rajni. Raghuvaran’s appearance on screen was greeted with a huge cheer. How brilliant would it have been if they could have gotten Ramya Krishnan also to do a guest appearance?

Shankar has also tried his best to keep absurd and Newton’s-laws-defying stunts to a minimum, the most absurd ones being relegated to lavishly set songs. But there is one particular stunt scene that begs to be derided. The scene at the drive-in movie, where Rajni literally pummels at least 8-10 other cars with his SUV as if they were merely cardboard models. Ram-go-pee in his review mentioned how the common refrain among reviewers had been “80 crore Rs and they couldn’t buy themselves a script.” I say, “80 crore Rs and they couldn’t get better special effects in this sequence.” Surprisingly for a Rajni movie, this was to me the only major WTF moment. And if I had to nitpick about the script, I might mention how Shankar tends to over-simplify things. For example, he would have you believe that black money is the root cause of all our troubles. But these are minor inconveniences, mind you. In all, the Thalaivar himself summed up the movie when he said, “Coool!”

Very interesting facts… and maps

Countries that still follow non-metric systems

Source: Wikipedia [Full size image] Link via: Digg

I find this very interesting for the following reasons:

1) I always thought the Americans were kind of dumb for not switching to the metric system, but I had no idea how isolated they were. I imagined there would still be a few third world cronies of the US that even now use non-metric systems, you know, the kind of countries that consistently vote pro-Israel in the UN. But now I find that the US has for company an economically retarded country ruled by the military and an African nation ravaged by civil wars. What axis will these three countries form?

2) If the US had shifted to the metric system some time earlier, all of the numerical exercises in Gere and Timoshenko would have been in the SI system. And I might have been encouraged to try out more of them. And hence I might have gotten more practice and actually done better in my structural courses.

3) It amazes me that there is some Wikipedia user jobless enough to create a map for this, when a simple “There are only three countries that still use non-metric systems – the US, Myanmar and Liberia” would have sufficed. I read this article recently called The Art of Wikigroaning, where the writer talks about how Wikipedia has more detailed articles for pop culture phenomena, compared to those for the more traditional topics related to it. For example, the article on Jedi Knights is considerably more elaborate and descriptive than the one for Knight. You’ll find more examples in that article.

You might also want to check out Strange Maps, one of the featured blogs on WordPress.com. It is a wonderful exercise in passing time on the web, especially if you are jobless at your workplace.

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I also learned over the weekend that no matter how much you lower your expectations about a movie, you still might find it to be horrible, even unwatchable at times. Yes, I am talking about Jhoom Barabar Jhoom, the latest assault on a movie-lover’s sensibilities by Yashraj Films. Amitabh Bachchan proves yet again that he will appear in any film/ad/video as long as he is paid his minimum wage. The one good song in the movie has been milked dry. And you also know that the director has got his priorities wrong when he credits someone as the Director of Choreography. Avoid at all costs. If you are still thinking of watching this movie, I have two words for you. Usual Suspects. It’s for your own good.

I have my own reasons for having watched the movie. In anticipation of the big release on June 29, Aap ka Surroor – people who were thinking iPhone may slap themselves in the face now – I have been watching some pretty bad movies to prepare myself for anything Reshammiya can throw at me. Last movie seen? Good Boy, Bad Boy. That’s how serious I am. Plus you get the best chicken roll 35 bucks can buy at one of those eateries outside Priya Cinema.

Net reality

Around the same time last summer, I was staying back for the summer in Roorkee, working on a project. Those were the times when there was no net in hostel rooms and I was still not spoilt by sites like TV Links and YouTVPC. The highlight of my day would be debates with my pal Unnikuttan through GTalk. For those of you who don’t know him, Unnikuttan aka Sunil Sam Kurien is a die hard neoconservative and religious fanatic. He even wears his neocon credentials on his email id. I, on the other hand, like to consider myself a liberal atheist. (For a while, I went with agnostic, but then I heard Colbert say somewhere that an agnostic is just an atheist without balls.) The topics of our discussions would range from George W Bush’s latest antics to the Bible, from the Middle-East crisis to India’s national security. They were interesting, to put it very mildly, and sometimes got a bit personal with a few expletives thrown in for good measure. As I recollect, all arguments ended in a clear victory for me, in spite of Unnikuttan resorting to some typical neocon tricks, like distorting intelligence input. But of late he seems reluctant to take me on. My taunts about the newest scandal on Capitol Hill go by without any retorts. He seems resigned and indifferent.

Maybe it’s because he finds it very difficult to locate resources online which vindicate his point of view that he has withdrawn from these debates. Which brings me to the topic of this post. Is it that, to quote Colbert again, reality has a well-known liberal bias, or is it just the Internet that has a liberal bias? Conservatives have been clamouring that it is the latter, pointing out that the demography of Internet users is so skewed in favour of the liberals. They claim that even popular sites like Wikipedia project a liberal point of view and have even gone so far as creating Conservapedia, which is far more humorous than Uncyclopedia, albeit unintentionally. There are so many websites and blogs critical of the Bush administration that you would think that they have a valid point. And yet, as much as I would like to think that it is the former, it cannot be denied that there is an increasing disconnect between the views expressed by the majority on the net and the ground reality. For example, on the Internet Ron Paul is about as popular as a rockstar. But in the “mainstream” media his bid for GOP presidential candidature is taken as nothing more than a joke.

As an atheist there are a few causes that I am very passionate about, like the teaching of evolution in schools and separation of religion and state. I scour social bookmarking sites like Digg for news relating to these topics and they are present aplenty. If you ever read the comments on any such post, you will realise how badly the anti-evolutionists are outnumbered and “dugg down.” And I don’t feel the least bit of pity for them. And yet there are increasing instances where school boards in the US are instructing teachers to tell the students that evolution is not perfect. Proponents of Intelligent Design are using the “Teach the Controversy” approach when in truth there is no controversy. A new Creationist Museum has opened to the public in the US. It is ironical that the BJP, while in power, may have done a better job of separating religion and politics than the Bush administration, as evidenced by the fact that students passing out from fourth-tier religious universities are holding key positions in the administration. Arguably India has better things to worry about than this assault on evolution, but the point I am trying to make is that the ground-swell of support for such causes on the Internet doesn’t translate into actual public acceptance. To improve upon Jimbo Wales’s original statement – “The Internet makes reality suck less.”

Non-sequitur

How is this not child abuse?
What kind of parents would let their sixteen year old daughter act opposite Himesh Reshammiya?

The second video is Reshammiya’s take on Sholay’s Mehbooba song. Stick around till the end. You won’t regret it!

Speaking of young actresses, I learnt through Delhi Times that the name of the heroine of Mera Pehla Pehla Pyaar is Hazel. Which is kind of sad because for someone so pretty it sucks that your name immediately brings to mind some porn actress. Err, or so a friend of mine tells me. IMDb lists five other Hazels – and that is just exact matches – most of whom are adult stars. I don’t know if that is her real name or not. If it is, she needs to start using her last name too. If it isn’t she needs to fire her manager.

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From the post title it is obvious that I have nothing coherent to write about. Just a bunch of odd ramblings that are hardly connected. My tribute to Sensei’s favourite word. If you are still reading this, here are some brilliant PJs.

Q) What would you call the Indian team’s disastrous World Cup Campaign?
A) Caribbean Kalip-so

Q) What would you call a very imminent revelation of heavenly truths preceded by the end of the world as we know it?
A) Apo-kalips now

Q) Towards the end of Cheeni Kum when Amitabh Bachchan finds out that Sexy has died and starts crying, “Muhje Sexy Chahiye”, who is the only person who can help him?
A) Justin Timberlake, because he’s bringing Sexy back.

Q) If someone was to make a movie based on the great van Kalip himself, what would the tagline be?
A) Danger is his middle name. Well, actually, it’s his last name.

Yes, you may applaud now.

Lost in translation

Scandinavian languages must be the antitheses of Hindi. No kidding. Can you imagine a Hindi movie with a female lead named Ilsa Lund? Would you join Lund University? Or employ the services of Ingersoll Rand? I think not!

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Saw Ocean’s thirteen last night. Excellent movie. The producers played it safe after the much maligned second part. So the plot is pretty simple and straight-forward. Not as many laughs as Ocean’s Twelve. But still well worth the time and money.

Teasers

How mighty the fallen are! From his heyday at Roorkee watching high-quality entertainment like The Office and Veronica Mars, “Kalip Superstar” van Kalip has been reduced to taking comfort in the B-grade programming that passes for entertainment in a typical IIT hostel TV room, in this particular case, that of Kumaon hostel in IIT Delhi. Boredom can make people achieve astounding feats and watching pure unadulterated crap on TV for hours together definitely is one that I can proudly claim to have conquered. Why do I do it? Because there really is nothing else to do. And also because the TV room is the one place in the hostel with a cooler and it feels nice to go to sleep on one of the couches there, serenaded by Himesh Reshammiya, Adnan Sami and co. In an effort to document the magnitude of my “velaapan”, I have reviewed the different trailers that I am subjected to in an infinite loop.

The Train: This one intrigues me the most because for two weeks I had been watching the trailers under the impression that the lovely lady on the screen was Geeta Basra. But now I find out that there are two heroines and the one in the “Woh Ajnabee” song might not be her after all. Which is a pity because I had been following news items about her that appeared daily in Delhi Times/HT City with intense curiosity. For example, did you know that she is from Yorkshire, England and that she is an “accomplished” painter? Or that she is uncomfortable doing kissing scenes? So now I watch these trailers very intently, trying to figure out which one is Basra and which is Shiyali Bhagat. By the way, the hero is Emraan Hashmi. But I guess you already picked up on that one from the mention of kissing scenes.

Jhoom Barabar Jhoom: The media is all over the town with news about this movie, calling Amitabh Bacchan’s look in it “Capt. Jack Sparrow inspired.” Oh really? Is that what they call looking gay these days? I also coined another of my empirical laws after watching this one, viz, “In every Yashraj movie there will be at least one song where the main protagonists dance together at a swanky nightclub.”

Life in a Metro, Cheeni Kum: These really piss me off since I have already seen the movies.

MP3 Mera Pehla Pehla Pyaar: For the first time ever, I am not irritated by one of these Bollywood alpha-numeric acronyms. In fact I am slightly amused and even more smitten by the heroine who is very, very cute. It also helps that the title song is eminently listenable. I shudder to think that in my current state of acute boredom, I might even try something as radical as watching this one.

Fool ‘N’ Final: Thank you Lord for granting me the privilege of seeing Guy Ritchie’s Snatch before this movie was even made. The comedy scenes are horrible, the videos of the songs indistinguishable from each other and Mike Tyson makes me want to punch the dude sitting next to me.

Shootout at Lokhandwala: “In the Mumbai, all over India…” Any trailer with just the songs are OK. Just barely OK.

Bombay to Goa: Four B-grade television celebrities hitting the snooze buttons now that their fifteen minutes are up + Vijay Raaz. It’s going to be so funny… NOT!

Aap ka Surroor – The Moviee – A Real Luvv Story: First of all there are no typos in the title of the movie. Trust me, God knows I have watched the trailers a zillion times. At some point of time, you have got to start feeling sorry for Himesh Reshammiya. Even the low-life nitwits here who love to watch the typically vulgar “news reports” on Aaj Tak and ther ilk are making fun of him. Who is going to watch this movie, they ask. I will. The stunt scenes with the autorickshaws are a bit too Bashaesque for me to pass up on. Plus there is that very pertinent question of just how badly this movie will suck. The really sad part though is that a movie like Fool ‘N’ Final will probably make more money simply because of its star cast. Reshammiya meanwhile has to settle for a heroine who looks retarded enough to be his fan in real life.

If any of these have caught your attention tune in immediately to Music India, Yo Music, Etc, B4U, Enter10 or Zee Music. It’s never too late. You could probably find these trailers online. I am unable to find the links for you. The net speed here at IIT Delhi is so slow, I could start streaming a video on Youtube, go to Roorkee, watch the video there, come back and the streaming still wouldn’t be complete. But in these testing and teasing times, I am encouraged by these words that I hear every 3 minutes – “When there is faith, there is no fear.”

PS. The German police want Himesh Reshammiya – dead or alive. We prefer the former.